Grey, cold, windy Easter with earthquakes

It was just that. And frustrating and sad.

Cold sometimes means temperature and sometimes does not. Today it meant both. Maybe a cold front is an angry front moving over land. It makes sense as a mirror of my day. I'm sick of taking care of people and things. The great lapses come from focusing on others and not myself. I want out of the house right now. Of all the undone aspects of it. I want the backyard finished so that I don't have to think about it. And I want things in place. Things done.

I want to live to see them done. All day that's what I've been thinking. That I want to live to see them done. Sick of living in a mess for so many years. Madera Avenue I could control. This place I can't. Right now I feel I've just taken on too much. The house and the land were a mess when I bought it and it remains so. Now I feel stuck.

I should have said I wanted to just go walk Olive by myself, that I needed time for myself alone. Too many ideas and too many alternatives and not enough focus from one day to the next. I have no idea how to change.