Wind and more wind and pine cones hitting the roof

Sounds like rocks but it's pine cones projectiles hitting the tin roof. Ghastly emotional day. Like crazy wind day. I am casting around my small office looking for what I can do to piece together, stitch together, knit together, keep consistently together.

It's 3:26pm and the day just didn't sit right. The Chevy was hit at TC and West Hillside, Hildy jumped down my throat in a meeting, I watched Ugly Betty on the iPad, Ric was jumpy about the accident then angry again around the gate. He feels pushed but I don't know how to get things done any longer. He wants to stretch everything out and yet he doesn't want anyone else to do anything.

Me, I've been holding up a stack of people which is to say I have not been focused on myself. Life out of balance again. I know what to do and now it is up to me to slow it down and breathe and meditate. R and O are in my studio now. O sleeping with her head resting on the bottom of R's foot and R on the iPad. He came in regretting the fact that he does need to take out both crash poles.

Conversation with RM was out there. She's frightened and taking the opposite high road. Her and RJ are a lot alike. The repressed emotions are exhausting I'm sure. The I'm all figured out when there is no need to be figured out. The I'm in control and your (meaning me) concerned and so I'm going to treat you (meaning me) like a little child. It was an interesting and twisted conversation. The false self is what I interacted with today. I am sure I was no help because when that self appears all you can do is stand down, let it take up the air in the room. Step aside.

But bright side of things, I found a work around to having to buy iWork. I got a hair appointment with Kim at just the right time. And my work computer will be ready for pickup tomorrow. So things move, they just move oddly.

On the other side of the fence, I have no energy for work. It's the drama and the sloughing that make me want to fall asleep. Or multi-task until I can't see straight or have any brain cells left. This will change, most things do.

How to keep a consistent thread, how to hold on in the buffering wind of life. Dailey speeding life. Life faster than ever before. I seem to think there is time but there isn't. Right now I'm falling over each time I see someone died anywhere near my age. I don't want to be like this but right now I'm like this. That is what I am seeing and so I have to look. I don't want to write this down and most of what

I am writing I don't want to write down.

Grey, cold, windy Easter with earthquakes

It was just that. And frustrating and sad.

Cold sometimes means temperature and sometimes does not. Today it meant both. Maybe a cold front is an angry front moving over land. It makes sense as a mirror of my day. I'm sick of taking care of people and things. The great lapses come from focusing on others and not myself. I want out of the house right now. Of all the undone aspects of it. I want the backyard finished so that I don't have to think about it. And I want things in place. Things done.

I want to live to see them done. All day that's what I've been thinking. That I want to live to see them done. Sick of living in a mess for so many years. Madera Avenue I could control. This place I can't. Right now I feel I've just taken on too much. The house and the land were a mess when I bought it and it remains so. Now I feel stuck.

I should have said I wanted to just go walk Olive by myself, that I needed time for myself alone. Too many ideas and too many alternatives and not enough focus from one day to the next. I have no idea how to change.

Sun and cool the definition of April

It is April. My MacBook Air fell and it came back from Apple repair this morning. Well, had to pay what I was going to use (much of it) for the iPad. So, now I have a working computer with all cosmetic damage repaired.

Today, running around to Home Depot and then doing yard work to prepare for tomorrow. The rest of the lawn and then who knows what. Chips down or not, I'm giving in.