Wind and more wind and pine cones hitting the roof

Sounds like rocks but it's pine cones projectiles hitting the tin roof. Ghastly emotional day. Like crazy wind day. I am casting around my small office looking for what I can do to piece together, stitch together, knit together, keep consistently together.

It's 3:26pm and the day just didn't sit right. The Chevy was hit at TC and West Hillside, Hildy jumped down my throat in a meeting, I watched Ugly Betty on the iPad, Ric was jumpy about the accident then angry again around the gate. He feels pushed but I don't know how to get things done any longer. He wants to stretch everything out and yet he doesn't want anyone else to do anything.

Me, I've been holding up a stack of people which is to say I have not been focused on myself. Life out of balance again. I know what to do and now it is up to me to slow it down and breathe and meditate. R and O are in my studio now. O sleeping with her head resting on the bottom of R's foot and R on the iPad. He came in regretting the fact that he does need to take out both crash poles.

Conversation with RM was out there. She's frightened and taking the opposite high road. Her and RJ are a lot alike. The repressed emotions are exhausting I'm sure. The I'm all figured out when there is no need to be figured out. The I'm in control and your (meaning me) concerned and so I'm going to treat you (meaning me) like a little child. It was an interesting and twisted conversation. The false self is what I interacted with today. I am sure I was no help because when that self appears all you can do is stand down, let it take up the air in the room. Step aside.

But bright side of things, I found a work around to having to buy iWork. I got a hair appointment with Kim at just the right time. And my work computer will be ready for pickup tomorrow. So things move, they just move oddly.

On the other side of the fence, I have no energy for work. It's the drama and the sloughing that make me want to fall asleep. Or multi-task until I can't see straight or have any brain cells left. This will change, most things do.

How to keep a consistent thread, how to hold on in the buffering wind of life. Dailey speeding life. Life faster than ever before. I seem to think there is time but there isn't. Right now I'm falling over each time I see someone died anywhere near my age. I don't want to be like this but right now I'm like this. That is what I am seeing and so I have to look. I don't want to write this down and most of what

I am writing I don't want to write down.

Grey, cold, windy Easter with earthquakes

It was just that. And frustrating and sad.

Cold sometimes means temperature and sometimes does not. Today it meant both. Maybe a cold front is an angry front moving over land. It makes sense as a mirror of my day. I'm sick of taking care of people and things. The great lapses come from focusing on others and not myself. I want out of the house right now. Of all the undone aspects of it. I want the backyard finished so that I don't have to think about it. And I want things in place. Things done.

I want to live to see them done. All day that's what I've been thinking. That I want to live to see them done. Sick of living in a mess for so many years. Madera Avenue I could control. This place I can't. Right now I feel I've just taken on too much. The house and the land were a mess when I bought it and it remains so. Now I feel stuck.

I should have said I wanted to just go walk Olive by myself, that I needed time for myself alone. Too many ideas and too many alternatives and not enough focus from one day to the next. I have no idea how to change.

Sun and cool the definition of April

It is April. My MacBook Air fell and it came back from Apple repair this morning. Well, had to pay what I was going to use (much of it) for the iPad. So, now I have a working computer with all cosmetic damage repaired.

Today, running around to Home Depot and then doing yard work to prepare for tomorrow. The rest of the lawn and then who knows what. Chips down or not, I'm giving in.

Rain that doesn't come

It hasn't although it could tonight, tomorrow, and snow down to 3000 maybe even 2000 but who knows where or when. High surf, coastal flooding. Was looking forward to all of it but nothing so I wanted the lawns again, front and back

Moon again but last day of warm weather

I worked outside today, started to grade the back but it needed to be watered so I watered it for tomorrow work. Went to Home Depot and got a clip on lamp for the backyard and a sprayer for the North newly transplanted hopseed. Gally goodot a lot of stuff that has been annoying me done. Ric hurt his back and was just plan not Ok today so he slept for the most part.

I've been reading the California nature writing book that Vicky gave me and many of the essays are really good. Just watched an episode of Grey's and came up to the loft.

Full moon in the wind

Yesterday, Leno and his crew of one and Ricardo prepared the back and the front lawn, and laid out the sod in a pattern. This morning Leno came back and they tied it all together and moved the Purple hops. Instant lawn. I did some work in the beds to clean them out and power washed the path and the flag stone entry. I cleaned up trash and watered both sections again. He wants us to water several times a day. And that's a snap since they created a new watering system patter in the backyard and fixed zone 9 in the front. So everything is up and running again, well in time for summer!

Grateful that I had the money to get this done.

Now it is up to Ricardo and I to do some grading in the final section and get the chips so it is chipped in. Then we will be in good shape for the coming rain.

Yes, rain. Coming but who knows how much. The weather site says late Tuesday night after 11PM we could see some then increasing on Wednesday, more Wednesday night and then thunderstorms and some chance again on Thursday and Thursday night.

Well, you never really know.

Last night was my EarthHour party and it was fun even though I was exhausted. Edean made an amazing tart of sour and sweet cherries and some blueberries. V and L brought so many presents it kind of made me nervous.

Night ended with Joe and Charlie coming over to see the grass and then taking Coastal Live Oak starts out of the land.

Olive was exhausted because first she played with Audrey and then it was Zuma until mid-night. All day she has little bursts of energy followed by sleeping where ever I happened to be.

I took at nap at one point and fell to the bottom of sleep quickly.

The moon is slow to rise and so it doesn't look like a moon scape yet. But it will!

Was sunny

It was sunny and there was a lot of light in the living room but I wasn't outside much today because I was painting. Touching up that is. But in the cases of the back door, screen door, and inside front door it meant paining. And then there was the built in book case and the post for the stairs up to the loft. I spent so much time stripping them last year and then I just decided to paint them because that really was a better look despite my side trip around it being sanded and natural. Truth is that they were not exactly good wood so there was nothing great to be gained from having them sanded and natural. And now I'm wondering around the major beam in the loft. That peace symbol beam. Bella perhaps?

I painted without TV blaring or music. Just the on and on conversation in my head. The story telling. And some real conversations---Michael, Darlene, Rochelle. Gene is very ill now and the doctors can't do anymore for him. Michael is sad and won't be coming up because he wants to be around him as much as possible. Darlene is having a hard time. Fred has been helping them out. Rochelle is anxious about money about the financial situation that is keeping things tight. I got the PIOP money today and the freaking taxes took half of it. Amazing. Disturbing.

But the weather was nice and Leno comes tomorrow and by tomorrow afternoon we will have a lawn in the backyard and the continuation of one in the front. Things are possible. Slow and possible.